Legeo & Gimliet
by LesMisLoony
Summary: COMPLETE! Cupid not the reindeer gets bored and mass hysteria ensues. Join in Pippin's search for the perfect catch phrase! PG for extreme insanity and overabuse of some characters coughLegolascough
1. Two Species, Unalike in Dignity

A/N- Welcome to Legeo & Gimliet, a tale of mass stupidity and OOC-ness (which, as we know, means Out Of Character... ness.) It's highly insane and ridiculous, absolutely inane, but LOTS OF FUN! This is friendly to those of you who have not read the books, although some characters are definitely not in the movies. This takes place at some random point after the Ring was destroyed, in Rivendell. Read on, my friends.  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own the plot or the characters, but I do own the 1st and 2nd Extended Editions of the movies and I own a couple copies of all three books. Someday I shall own the 3rd movie (11 Oscars!) on Extended Edition DVD.  
  
Here we go...  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
Two species, unalike in dignity  
  
In fair Rivendell where we lay our scene  
  
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny  
  
Where lots of blood makes many hands unclean  
  
From forth the fatal lines of these two foes  
  
A pair of gaywad lovers take their life  
  
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows  
  
Doth with their death bury their species strife  
  
The fearful passage of their frightening love  
  
And the continuance of their species rage  
  
Which, but their kinsmen's end, naught could remove  
  
Is now the creepy traffic of our page  
  
The which, if you with patient eyes attend  
  
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend 


	2. Minus One

A/N- Yay, I did get reviews after all *ignores the fact that I shamelessly begged and advertised for most of them* yep... I got reviews. Okay, so this wonderful story SHALL continue, but the chapters are going to be notoriously short. But I promise absolute nonsense and insanity as it goes on.  
  
Altenq- Yay! My most reviewing reviewer for my other fics! Yeah, it gets worse from there. Read on and see for yourself.  
  
I'm From Tookland- I did? Ooh... I feel special. I love your fic! Muahahaha it's funny...  
  
La Pamplemousse- Really? I looked all through the book and couldn't find a street number for the house on Rue Plumet? Do you remember when they say the address?  
  
Elyse3- That's where I got the idea. Thankee.  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters in this chapter. I do have a Ring on a chain that I got off a bookmark and work for a couple weeks till it turned all silver...  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
Gimli sighed morosely. "I have seen true beauty, and I shall never love again. Such lovely, golden locks... I shall never forget you! Oh, never have I felt this way... especially for an elf!"  
  
Frodo laughed and shook his head, but Sam spoke up. "Honestly, Mr. Gimli, you can't go on pining over an elf all hours of the day. It's not proper for a dwarf, if you catch my meaning."  
  
"After all, Gimli," Frodo broke in, "what would Celeborn think if he knew you had pledged your undying love to Galadriel?"  
  
"Oh, I suppose you're right," Gimli sighed again. "But only about the love pledging part. I shan't pledge her my undying love... but I shan't forget her either."  
  
Frodo patted him on the back, assuming he would move on to a nice, bearded dwarf woman. Gimli leapt to his feet. "She walks silently through Lothlórien, white robes glistening in the moonlight-"  
  
Pippin, who until now had been content to sit quietly with his pipe, interrupted. "I'm warning you, Gimli, I don't want to hear another word of Galadriel."  
  
"And what are you going to do about it, you curly-haired... pipe-smoking... green-cape wearing... brooch-less... hairy-footed... erm... hobbit?"  
  
"This," Pippin said as he shoved Gimli playfully, catching him off balance and sending him into the mud.  
  
Laughing, the three hobbits helped him up. (Pippin had locked Merry in the bathroom of his trailer because he was tired of being called 'the short one.') Gimli huffed and looked down at his dirty clothes. "Tell you what, Gimli," Pippin offered, "I'll hold your pipe while you go change your clothes."  
  
Gimli rolled his eyes. "You young rascal! I'm going to wash this off and bring my pipe with me!" he shouted, unaware that he hadn't been smoking a pipe in the first place.  
  
The dwarf grabbed Pippin's pipe and stomped away.  
  
Frodo and Sam looked accusingly at Pippin. "Merry!" Frodo scolded. "You made Gimli angry with us!"  
  
Pippin shook his head. "That settles it, then."  
  
He pulled Sting out of the sheath at Frodo's side and stalked off in the direction of Merry's trailer.  
  
"Mr. Frodo?"  
  
"Yes, Sam?"  
  
"That was Mr. Pippin, if you catch my meaning."  
  
Frodo blinked. "Oh yeah! Merry's the one with the butt-chin!"  
  
At that moment the two non-gay hobbits heard a strangled cry from Merry's trailer. Pippin returned a moment later, wiping Sting on his cloak. "Here you go, Frodo," he sighed.  
  
"Where's Merry?" Frodo asked.  
  
Pippin was suddenly very interested in scratching his ear. 


	3. A Tale of Two Species

A/N- Mixed responses, I see. I know, I warned you of mass insanity and there wasn't much there... except Frodo being stupid... but I told you it gets wackier as it goes on. When I was writing this, I tried to start it out as a... um... how do you explain it? A remotely... believable... fic. Not one of those vastly impossible weirdnesses that it became. Trust me, it gets nuttier and nuttier as it goes on. Please try to stay with me till the wackiness really starts, if that's what you expected.  
  
Maniacal laughter (jelli- I shall try! See da author's note.  
  
I'm From Tookland- *cough* He's not feeling well. Don't worry! He may be dead, but he'll be back! Muahahaha!  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
Gimli tramped furiously down the path. "Telling me not to talk about Galadriel. I can't help it!"  
  
Cupid (not the reindeer) hovered invisibly overhead. He found that Gimli's pathetic love for Galadriel was beginning to bore him. Even as he thought this, something else caught his attention. Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thranduil, was skipping through the field of poppies, singing "I Feel Pretty." Gimli was headed straight toward him. Cupid grinned.  
  
Gimli, in his foul temper, was carefully trampling all of the poppies on his path, grumbling about hobbits with cute accents.  
  
Legolas was skipping merrily along, singing at the top of his lungs. "I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! Oh, so pretty, and witty, and GAY!"  
  
The two collided, falling backwards on their... on their... on the ground. The elf and the dwarf made eye contact. Cupid fit an arrow into his bow.  
  
THWONK!  
  
And the other...  
  
THUMP!  
  
Legolas and Gimli could not look away.  
  
"NO!" Emma screamed. "Don't make Legolas gay, Erin! NO!"  
  
The Authoress laughed evilly, and continued to write.  
  
Legolas slowly got to his feet, offering Gimli a hand. Gimli took it. Angels sang. Birds chirped. Cupid decided to go harass Sam about Rosie Cotton.  
  
About that time, the remaining hobbits approached. "Gimli! Mer- ah... Pippin said he was sorry, and-"  
  
"And I want m' pipe back!"  
  
Sam, Frodo, and Pippin entered the meadow. The magic was broken.  
  
"Hey, Legolas! Oh, Gimli, I'm sorry about getting your clothes all dirty. Give me m' pipe!"  
  
"I... I have to go," Legolas said abruptly. He hurried off.  
  
"What's the matter, Gimli?" Frodo asked.  
  
Gimli cleared his throat. "Nothing. Nary a thing. I have... something to do," he finished vaguely.  
  
When he was gone, Frodo turned to Sam. "What d'you suppose that was about?"  
  
Sam did not hear. "Rosie Cotton dancing... if ever I was to marry-"  
  
"Oh, Sam," Frodo interrupted.  
  
Pippin rolled his eyes. "You two need to get new lines. Me, I don't have a catch phrase, but I do have fangirls."  
  
A crowd of teenage fangirls rushed in, hugged Pippin, tossed him around a bit, and was chased off by Elrond, Lord of the Eyebrows. "Sorry, Merry!" he called over his shoulder.  
  
"I need to be alone," Pippin sighed. 


	4. The Balcony Scene

A/N- Alas, how does one get one's LOTR story recognized? If I weren't me, I'd just abandon this dear little story, contented with the fact that my friends at school liked it. Well, I am me, so I'm gonna carry on... even if I only get two reviews a chapter. And don't expect me to try to write another LOTR fanfic after this one. Darn. I had some fun ideas.  
  
Altenq- Thanks for reading it, the poor dear. My fic is so neglected. Anyway, yes... Orlando Bloom as Maria from West Side Story is all too appealing... and fitting... Ick.  
  
I'm From Tookland- He is, though, isn't he? Hugo Weaving: an egg with eyebrows. Don't get me wrong, he's a great actor, but...  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
Gimli sneaked out of the room he was sharing with his father, Glóin, to take a walk and get his thoughts in order. Arwen (back in Rivendell to visit her daddy) leaned against a tree nearby, but Gimli did not see her – love is blind, ya know.  
  
Gimli found himself under Legolas's conveniently placed balcony. /Just my luck/ he thought. /I'm doomed to love every elf pass... and even worse, this is a he-elf! / Gimli sighed. /I'm a gaywad.../  
  
Even as he thought the words, he heard them spoken aloud. "I'm a gaywad," moaned Legolas's voice from above.  
  
"Oh, speak again, bright angel," Gimli whispered.  
  
"Gimli, Gimli... Why are you a dwarf? Deny your species and... and change your name... and we'll run off and live with the Entwives! And no on will ever know!"  
  
"Except the Entwives," Gimli said aloud.  
  
Legolas let out a feminine little shriek. "Who's there?"  
  
"Just Gimli."  
  
"Gimli?" Legolas repeated, his voice still a few octaves higher than usual. "But I can't see you."  
  
Gimli eyed the tree that grew by the side of the balcony. He leapt for the bottom branch... and missed. He jumped again – no luck. The third time, Gimli caught the branch and hung there for a second before falling again. "Um... I only came because I have to tell you... that... Ahem... I... is it true, what you just said?"  
  
"Yes..." Legolas squeaked.  
  
"I... I love you too, laddie."  
  
Legolas giggled. "How much?"  
  
"This much," Gimli exclaimed, holding his arms wide.  
  
"I... uh... still can't see you."  
  
"Oh. Well, a lot."  
  
"Ooh... will you marry me?" squealed Legolas.  
  
"Of course, my love."  
  
"When?"  
  
Gimli thought for a second. "Tomorrow?"  
  
"That's good for me."  
  
As the lovers sneaked back to their own rooms, Arwen (who also happened to be the head of the Legolas Fan Club) scratched her chin in thought. "This won't be good for the club," she muttered. 


	5. Gandalf Comes Out

A/N- Blah, blah, blah...  
  
Altenq- Be honored! I added your username to my spellchecker dictionary thing. Yay! Yeah... I'm one of those people who won't quit. When my first story, Bobette, only got two reviews, I took the whole thing and reloaded it... It worked!  
  
Celinra- Hurrah! Someone from the forum finally came! Glad you like it.  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"Gandalf? Gandalf!"  
  
Gandalf the White stopped grooming Shadowfax for a moment. "Yes, Gimli?"  
  
"Gandalf?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Could you do me a favor?"  
  
"That depends."  
  
"On what?"  
  
"On what the favor is! Get to the point!"  
  
"Well... I met someone. Well, no, not exactly. I... Gandalf... I... I want to get married."  
  
"That's nice. You young straight people-"  
  
"Um... no. Gandalf... I'm afraid it's... a he."  
  
Gandalf blinked. "You mean I'm not the only gay one in Rivendell?"  
  
"You're...? Er... never mind. We...wanted to know if you'd... marry us."  
  
"Me? I don't believe in bigamy, Gimli."  
  
"No! I mean... you do the wedding."  
  
"Oh," Gandalf nodded. "Who is it?"  
  
"Well... an elf."  
  
"An elf? Gimli, Galadriel is married."  
  
"No... a different elf."  
  
"Who?"  
  
Gimli said something inaudible.  
  
"What? It's a leg-less elf? What do you mean by a leg-less... leg... oh."  
  
Gimli looked down at the stable floor.  
  
"So..." Gandalf said quietly. "Does he... return your affections?"  
  
"Aye, that he does," Gimli answered shyly.  
  
"Wait a minute! A heard you pledging Galadriel your undying love! What about her, ey?"  
  
"Well... 'Twas a bit useless, wasn't it? I mean... Celeborn and all..."  
  
"But it isn't useless for an elf to love a dwarf? There is a feud... Wait! What if, by the union of an elf and a dwarf, the feud between elves and dwarves ended?"  
  
"Whatever! Just promise that we can be married!"  
  
"Alright then. Here, whenever you're ready."  
  
"YYYYES!" Gimli cheered.  
  
Pippin rolled his eyes. "Stop repeating your lines! Stupid catch phrases! I don't need a catch phrase, and you shouldn't either!"  
  
Somewhere in New Zealand, Peter Jackson gasped. "Philipa! Fran! I just realized that we never gave Pippin a catch phrase! Quick, write him one!"  
  
Back in Rivendell, Pippin suddenly punched a fist in the air and shouted, "Eyebrow man!" 


	6. A Marriage Worthy of Vegas

A/N- Yay! I'm in a much better mood! Even though I didn't have computer access all through spring break (long story short, we had our floors redone and couldn't walk on them). Anyway, here's another update! Yay!  
  
Alteng- Yep, Pippin is the star of every chapter for quite a while. Must... put... in... cool... accent... How did you know about Gandalf/Saruman? That happens later!  
  
Nikki Staggerwall- Don't worry, I understand the fangirl identity crisis weirdness. I went through it for a short while before I moved on to Pippin and then Sam! Yay Sam!  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"No," Peter Jackson said, "Eyebrow man is Elrond. You've gotta give him something... something that's Pippin, and Pippin only!"  
  
/\/\/\  
  
Back in Rivendell, several hours later, Gimli and Legolas left the stable by different doors. Arwen, guessing that this would destroy her Legolas Fan Club, yanked an arrow out of Legolas's quiver as he ran by, and she approached Gimli.  
  
"Dwarf!" she yelled.  
  
"Yes ma'am?"  
  
"You insult all that is Elfhood!"  
  
"No! No, I love Elves! I love them like I would if I was one!"  
  
Gimli's dad, Glóin, wandered by as Arwen shoved her newly acquired arrow in Gimli's face.  
  
Gimli rolled his eyes. "I shan't fight you, lassie."  
  
Arwen glared at him. "Dwarfs are wimps!" she announced.  
  
"Oy!" Glóin yelled. "I'll fight you, she-elf!"  
  
Arwen slashed the arrow across his chest, blunting it on his chain mail, then narrowly avoided his ax as she came back for another attack. The arrow's tip disappeared through his beard. Glóin's ax dropped from his hands.  
  
Arwen backed away as Gimli rushed forward, pulling the arrow from Glóin's throat. The old dwarf gasped in pain.  
  
"Gimli... 'Tis only a scratch...but 'tis enough...if you ask for me tomorrow, you shall find me a grave dwarf..." he choked.  
  
Frodo and Sam, who had been hiding behind the potted plants, rushed out and helped carry Glóin to Elrond. Pippin followed, shouting, "To infinity, and beyond!"  
  
/\/\/\  
  
Peter Jackson shook his head. "Are you kidding? Disney would sue the jeepers out of us!"  
  
/\/\/\  
  
Gimli looked at the arrow. "This is Legolas's!"  
  
"Oh... yeah... it is," Arwen said submissively.  
  
Gimli pocketed the arrow, then drew out his ax. "You killed my father!"  
  
"I AM your father!" Arwen answered.  
  
Gimli's ax halted in midair. "Huh?"  
  
Arwen giggled. "I dunno, I've just always wanted to say that."  
  
Furious that Arwen was giggling right after murdering his father, Gimli swung the ax right into her stomach.  
  
Arwen gasped; said, "There goes the fan club," and died.  
  
"YAAAAAAAY!" screamed Éowyn.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Elrond.  
  
"YAAAAAAAY!" screamed the Authoress.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Aragorn, who threw a plugged-in toaster into a bathtub full of water, jumped in after it, and died.  
  
"Vive la république!" screamed Pippin.  
  
/\/\/\  
  
Peter Jackson shook his head. "Next!"  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
Yes, I killed Aragorn – to be more precise, he killed himself. Don't worry, he'll be back. No one dies for good in this story, I promise! Merry, Aragorn, and Arwen will return! Oh, and Glóin, too. 


	7. Banishèd

A/N- I'm back! Yeah, I'd kinda abandoned this story for a bit, but I shall not let it die. That's just not like me. So, we continue.  
  
Alteng- I know, it took a while. But I've decided that I shall continue to update this fic ruthlessly, despite the lack of reviews. Yeah... Um... Pippin die? Almost... you'll see... it's in the part where I start fighting PJ for control of the story.  
  
I'm Tookland- Toasters are evil. I'm doing two updates today, and both of the fics I'm updating have toasters in them... Weird, right?  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"WHAT?" Elrond screamed, his eyebrows shooting up past his hairline.  
  
"Your daughter, Lad Arwen, has been killed," Glorfindel quietly repeated.  
  
"By whom?" Elrond asked as his eyebrows drew together in fury.  
  
"Gimli, son of Glóin."  
  
"Well," said Elrond.  
  
"He's goin' down!" said his eyebrows.  
  
Glorfindel jumped. "Who said that?"  
  
Elrond glared at his forehead (which isn't very easy to do). "Shhh... he heard you..."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Glorfindel fainted.  
  
"Well," Elrond sighed, "Gimli shall be banishèd."  
  
Gandalf slipped quietly out of the room.  
  
"Banishèd?"Gimli cried a moment later.  
  
Gandalf nodded gravely. "Banishèd."  
  
Sam, strolling innocently by, overheard. "Banishèd?"  
  
Frodo sighed and shook his head. "Banishèd..."  
  
They ran to tell Legolas.  
  
"Banishèd?" Legolas whispered.  
  
Frodo, Sam, and Pippin nodded. "Banishèd," all three said.  
  
Pippin's eyes widened. "Banishèd? Banishèd!" he said happily.  
  
/\/\/\  
  
Peter Jackson frowned. "No... remember, I said something that's just Pippin... that's too... everybody else..."  
  
/\/\/\  
  
Legolas wiped his nose on his sleeve. "Banishèd?"  
  
The hobbits nodded.  
  
"Oh, banishèd, banishèd!" Legolas sobbed.  
  
The readers rolled their eyes.  
  
"No more 'banishèd'?" asked the Authoress.  
  
The readers shook their heads.  
  
The Authoress sighed. "Alright. But Shakespeare did it!"  
  
Back in the stables, a little lightbulb clicked on above Gandalf's head.  
  
Gimli gasped. "What the heck is that?"  
  
Gandalf ignored him. "I have an idea! Ooh! Idea over here! YAY ME!"  
  
Gimli stared hopefully at him.  
  
"You go hang out just outside of Rivendell, and Legolas can run away from home to join you!"  
  
Gimli cheered. "Yyes!"  
  
Meanwhile, elsewhere, the hobbits were trying to get Legolas to shut up.  
  
"Banishèd? Oh, ba-nish-èd, ba-nish-èd, ba-nish-èd..." he moaned, emphasizing each syllable by whacking his face against the wall.  
  
A crowd of fangirls rushed in and tried to restrain him, followed by Elrond.  
  
"Where the heck are those security guards I hired?" The Lord of the Eyebrows shouted.  
  
/\/\/\  
  
Harley Khiner, Frankie the Enforcer, and Joey the Rat were sitting around a table, playing Go Fish.  
  
"Hey Harley!" Joey said suddenly. "Shouldn't we be at the kooky elf place, fighting off crazed teenage chicks?"  
  
"That position is not to my liking," Harley answered smoothly.  
  
"Why not, huh?" Joey persisted.  
  
"Because we are not the type to hang around crazed fangirls."  
  
Frankie looked up from his cards. "Are you saying I'm gay?"  
  
"Got any sixes?" Joey asked.  
  
"I need to be alone," sighed Frankie. He exited to the restrooms.  
  
"Hey Frankie, hey, wait a minute!" Joey shouted, following him.  
  
Harley looked at the empty table. "Well," he said, "it appears that I win."  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
Sorry if any of you haven't seen Boy Meets World (you're missing out!) and didn't get that. I have lots of references to sitcoms. I love them. A lot. Yes. If I get more than three reviews for this chapter, I'll post two chapters next time. 


	8. Behind Door Number One

A/N- I was typing this chapter, thinking about how crummy it is that I only got two reviews. I even had a little author's note typed up about how ya didn't make it, but then as I was preparing to upload the new chapter I checked the reviews (can't ever be careful enough) and had another! Huzzah! Double update for you!  
  
Alteng- Gimli has certainly never had a lightbulb, poor chap. You didn't watch TV? I don't watch much, mostly reruns. Especially Full House and Boy Meets World. Yeah, I know... but I love them.  
  
The Hobbit Lass- Odd that you should do that... you'll see why in a while. But yes, before I saw ROTK I was making Pippin the star. Then the third movie came out and Sam suddenly looked a whole lot better than he had before. Dunno why.  
  
crazy-haldir-fancier- I love Haldir! He's so coool. With three O's. I used to think he was a wannabe Legolas, but then I decided Legolas was a wannabe Haldir. Yeah.

* * *

So Gimli left Rivendell in secrecy. Perhaps a day after he left, Thranduil requested a meeting with his son.  
  
"Leggy," he said slowly.  
  
"Yes Daddy?"  
  
"I've got good news, and then I've got great news!"  
  
"What's the good news, Daddy?" Legolas asked.  
  
Thranduil grinned. "I've just saved a bunch of money on my rider's insurance by switching to Geiko!"  
  
Legolas smiled for the first time since Gimli had left and clapped his hands together. "Congratulations, Daddy! What could possibly be better than that?"  
  
Thranduil bounced up and down in his chair with excitement. Or maybe he just had to pee.  
  
"What is it?" Legolas demanded.  
  
"I have a surprise for you! But first, you must answer one question. If you answer correctly, you win the great prize behind door number one!"  
  
"Ooh! Ooh! Ask the question!"  
  
"Alright... here's your question. Would you like... to be... married?"  
  
Legolas blinked. "Er..."  
  
His father prompted him a little, nodding.  
  
"Yyyyyyes...?" It wasn't a lie.  
  
"Congratulations! You win!" Thranduil cried, throwing open the door.  
  
Legolas gasped.  
  
A beautiful elf maiden stood there, smiling harder than Legolas had ever seen anyone smile.  
  
Thranduil smiled too. "This is the lovely, lovely young lady... Marie Sue! Congratulations again, Leggy!" he said, then left.  
  
Legolas stared at the girl.  
  
She smiled.  
  
Stare.  
  
Smile.  
  
"Umm... hi?"  
  
The girl bowed to the floor.  
  
"N-no... get up... I have to leave."  
  
Mary Sue stood up.  
  
Legolas, more than a little freaked out, ran after his father. "Daddy? DADDYYYY!"  
  
"What's wrong, Leggy?"  
  
"I... I can't marry her."  
  
Smoke poured out of Thranduil's ears.  
  
Literally.  
  
"You will marry her! Tomorrow! So there!" Thranduil bellowed, and he stalked off.  
  
"GANDAAAAAAAALF!" Legolas whined, running for the stables. 


	9. Gandalf's Mistake

A/N- Here it is! Your free second update! And free cyber-cookies to all three of my reviewers! YAY FOR YOU!

* * *

Gandalf stared grimly at Legolas, who was nervously biting his nails.  
  
"Quit that," Gandalf said sharply.  
  
Legolas did.  
  
"Ooh! I have an idea! Again!" Gandalf suddenly yelled.  
  
Legolas glanced nervously at that little hovering lightbulb. "Uh... what's the idea?" he squeaked.  
  
"Okay. So, I have this handy-dandy-"  
  
"**NOTEBOOK**!" screamed a bunch of tiny voices.  
  
Gandalf and Legolas looked around nervously.  
  
They saw no one.  
  
"...I have a bottle of magic juice!"  
  
Legolas oohed and ahhed appropriately.  
  
"When you drink the magic juice, you'll die!"  
  
Legolas stopped mid-ooh. "Huh?"  
  
"Well, actually, it's relatively temporary."  
  
Blank stare. "Huh?"  
  
"It'll look like you're dead, but you aren't really. Then you wake up."  
  
"So? What does this have to do with..." Legolas shuddered "Mary Sue?"  
  
"You drink the magic juice before you go to bed. Then, in the morning, you'll look really dead. So they'll bury you, and I'll go get Gimli, and when you wake up, you and Gimli can go live with the Entwives. And no one will ever know!"  
  
"Except the Entwives," Legolas reminded him.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. So, watcha think?"  
  
"It's a deal!" Legolas cried.  
  
Gandalf handed him the juice.  
  
Legolas skipped happily out the door.  
  
"Samwise Gamgee?" Gandalf called.  
  
"Yes, Mr. Gandalf?" Sam asked, emerging from an empty horse stall.  
  
"Take Bill the pony to Gimli, and tell him that Legolas is not really dead, okay?"  
  
"Okay, Mr. Gandalf. I'll be there on the double, if you catch my meaning."  
  
"Go on!" Gandalf shouted.  
  
Sam saddled Bill up and led him out of the stable.  
  
Frodo and Pippin wandered up.  
  
"Where's he going?" Pippin asked.  
  
"He's leaving," Frodo said perceptively.  
  
Peter Jackson sighed. "Please guys. I mean, this is better than speaking French, or yodeling, or repeating what everyone else says, or stealing lines from Disney, but _please_ give him something interesting!"  
  
Philippa and Fran nodded. 


	10. Attack of the Tanners

A/N- School's out for the summer, so I (having no social life to speak of) will probably updating quite a lot. Or starting lots of new fics... Yeah, well, the real insanity begins in this chapter when I come into the story.  
  
Alteng- Hehe... you think I'm close to the end. The fic stretches on and on with random stupidity and nonsense... you'll see.  
  
I'm From Tookland- I wondered if anybody would get that... I wasn't sure if anyone on the forum grew up with Steve and the Blue's Clues gang like I did, but I thought I'd leave it just in case. Glad you got it!

* * *

"Leggy? Oh, Leggy!" Thranduil called, strolling into his son's room with Mary Sue in tow.  
  
Legolas lay motionless across the bed.  
  
"Come on, Leggy! It's time to get married!"  
  
Now that he thought about it, Legolas didn't usually sleep with his head hanging over the edge of the bed... and _HIS HAIR LOOKED MESSY_! Something was wrong!  
  
"Mary Sue! He's... dead!" Thranduil gasped.  
  
Mary Sue stood smiling in the corner.  
  
"Wait a minute! He's an elf! Elves don't die!"  
  
A really, really short guy with a large hat ran in, stood by the bed, and unrolled a scroll. "As coroner I must aver I've thoroughly examined her, and she's not only merely dead. She's really most sincerely dead!" he sang.  
  
"Leggy... was **not**... a _**woman**_!" Thranduil screamed, kicking the Munchkin out the window. "Lord Elrond!"  
  
That afternoon, a widely attended funeral took place. Fangirls moaned, gnashed their teeth, tore their clothing, donned sackcloth, and painted their faces black with soot.  
  
Frodo realized that Gimli didn't know about Legolas's strange death. He approached the nearest elf. "Glorfindel? Can you ride out and tell Gimli that Legolas is dead? They were sort of... buddies."  
  
"You got it, dude!" Glorfindel answered, giving Frodo a thumbs-up sign.  
  
Frodo, having never seen such a gesture, gasped, "How rude!"  
  
Peter Jackson rolled his eyes. "Have mercy! ... Wait... now I'm doing it! **NOOOOOOO!**"  
  
The Authoress ran out of lines from Full House to assign the characters.  
  
"The Authoress? What Authoress? I do Lord of the Rings stories!" PJ yelled.  
  
"**Wanna bet**?" boomed a voice from the sky.  
  
"Yeah! Watch this," PJ answered, whispering to Philippa and Fran.  
  
Pippin jumped off a roof and flew around Rivendell in circles, singing Yellow Submarine.  
  
"Now watch," Peter said as Pippin went screaming into a nosedive towards a lake.  
  
"**NOOOOO! PIPPIN**!" screamed the voice from the sky.  
  
Pippin pulled out of the nosedive just in time and came to a safe, cushioned stop on one of Elrond's eyebrows.  
  
"Hey!" Peter yelled. "I didn't do that!"  
  
"**No duh**," answered the voice from the sky.  
  
"Curse you, Authoress!" Peter shouted at the ceiling.  
  
He suddenly found himself on a barricade in the middle of a street. French college boys dashed around him with rifles and carbines, shooting men in National Guard uniforms. A handsome blond man stood at the top of the barricade, waving a red flag and shouting, _"Vive la république! Vive la revolution! Fraternité, Egalité, et Liberté!"  
_  
_"D'accord, d'accord! Je suis desolé!"_ Peter cried frantically. _"Quoi? Je ne peux pas parler français!"  
_  
A minute later he was back in New Zealand, speaking English and respecting the power of the Authoress. 


	11. The Authoress's Newest Captive

A/N- Sorry 'bout that. My computer broke and then my phone went dead. Yeah, I think someone out there REALLY hates my fanfiction... or something. But here's a double post! Yay!  
  
The Hobbit Named Hector/hobbitgirl11- I send you three cyber-cookies for every review! Reviews make me feel special, even if they're all from the same person. _–big cheesy grin-_ I never did see Troy. My mom came up with this "if you wanna see a movie you have to pay for it" thing, and I'm saving up to go to London and Paris with my French class next year, so... yeah.  
  
A Darker Side of Light- They'll be here... _-evil laughter-_ Almost all the characters make a random appearance in a few chapters... or maybe in just a couple chapters... hmm...  
  
Alteng- You sleep with your head hanging off the side of the bed? Cool! "Sloopy sleeper"... that amused me. Was it supposed to be sloppy? Sloopy is actually cooler... hehe...  
  
Western Master 3- Sorry what? Did you say all my base now belong to you? Okay...  
  
I'm From Tookland- Now there's an idea. I don't think I ever _did_ give Pippin a catch phrase when I first wrote the story, but that idea makes me want to give him one after all.  
  
One of Jack's Carrots- Hello. It's okay you haven't seen Les Mis... I'd be surprised if you had. Oh, there is Pirate-y-ness later on. The mass insanity will probably begin next update. Yay for mass insanity!

* * *

Glorfindel and his horse cantered out of Rivendell. About two hours later, he saw Sam Gamgee leading Bill the Pony. Glorfindel waved. Sam waved back.  
  
Glorfindel found Gimli leaning against a tree, smoking a hobbit's pipe.  
  
"What news from Rivendell?"  
  
"There is a funeral. Frodo Baggins asked that I give you the news."  
  
Gimli slowly got to his feet. "What news?"  
  
"Of the funeral."  
  
"Whose funeral?"  
  
"Legolas, son of Thranduil."  
  
Gimli's eyes widened. "Thank you," he muttered. "Tell Mr. Baggins the same."  
  
Glorfindel stuck his thumb up. "You got it, d-"  
  
"No!" Peter Jackson cried. "Please no! No more Full House! I beg you!"  
  
"**What'll ya give me?**" asked the voice from the sky.  
  
"Um... do you want anything in particular?"  
  
"**Yes, I do, if you catch my meaning,**" answered the voice from the sky.  
  
"What?"  
  
"**Give me Sam! He can live in my attic with all the other characters I've kidnapped!**"  
  
"Anything! Just no more Full House!"  
  
"**YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAYYYY!**" the voice from the sky squealed.  
  
And never again did a character say a line from Full House.  
  
And Peter Jackson lost ten pounds.  
  
And he found a hundred-dollar bill in the street.  
  
And the Authoress never personally harassed him again.  
  
Glorfindel returned to Rivendell, and Gimli followed a long way behind. Neither of them passed Sam on the way back, as he had been relocated to the Authoress's attic, where he still lives happily today.  
  
When Gimli passed Bill the Pony, he grabbed the reins and led him back to Rivendell.  
  
Gimli still had Legolas's arrow (the one that killed his papa). He held it in his fist all the way back. The dwarf arrived at nightfall, left Bill in the stables, and headed toward the big tomb where Legolas was buried.  
  
But someone was already there.  
  
Mary Sue stood at the entrance to the tomb, smiling brightly, with a sword in her hands. Gimli shuddered. "Step aside, elf!" he hissed.  
  
Mary Sue leveled the sword and swung it at Gimli, who rolled his eyes, ducked, and kicked her in the shins. Mary Sue's eyes crossed for a second, then popped out of her head, suspended on wires. Little blue zigzags of electricity ran up and down her body.  
  
Gimli stared at her for a second, then tapped at her arm.  
  
It clanged.  
  
Gimli frowned. "A she-elf of metal?"  
  
"Jeepers!" shouted several voices from behind the trees. "It's a robot!"  
  
Gimli raised an eyebrow. "Who said that?"  
  
From the woods stepped a girl with short brown hair and glasses, a blond boy, a girl with long red hair, a scruffy hippie, and a large dog.  
  
"OOH!" Gimli shouted. "The Scooby Doo gang! Can I get your autographs?"  
  
"Sure!" said the annoying cartoons.  
  
After a few moments, Gimli thanked the kids, pocketed his autograph book, and went into the tomb. 


	12. Inside the Elf Tomb

The tomb was dark and cool. The walls were moist, and a constant sound of dripping water echoed throughout the chamber. Gimli was rather surprised that there weren't too many corpses in the room.  
  
The readers wondered why there was a tomb for elves in Rivendell.  
  
The Authoress sighed. "Plot convenience."  
  
The readers nodded and (hopefully) accepted it.  
  
Gimli remembered how he and Legolas had visited the caves beyond Helm's Deep together, and how Legolas had dragged him through Fangorn forest... Those were the days...  
  
He immediately saw Legolas's semi-final resting-place. The elf was on one of those stone slab things where living people put dead ones inside tombs. Yeah, that's where he was. A gray shroud was draped over his dead self. Gimli sighed. Beyond Legolas lay Arwen.  
  
"Oh, that she-elf I killed... yeah..." he approached her. "Look, I wouldn't have killed you if you hadn't killed my daddy. I love ya like a sister, lassie. No hard feelings?" Gimli held out his hand.  
  
Arwen... just sorta... decayed a little.  
  
"I understand being angry, lassie. When you feel like talking, I'll be on the next stone slab over. Or maybe I'll just be on the floor."  
  
Unseen by Gimli, Arwen's ghost tried to kick him in the head, but her foot went through him.  
  
She said something in Elvish that the Authoress chose not to translate or even record, as the only Elvish word the Authoress knows is "_yrch_." The Authoress does, however, know some French.  
  
Aragorn's ghost suddenly floated by without seeing Arwen, who sneaked up on him and said, "What's this? A ranger, caught off his guard?"  
  
And the ghosts went running hand in hand through a field of flowers.  
  
But nobody cares.  
  
Gimli, meanwhile, was bored with Arwen and decided to go talk to Legolas instead. Frowning, the dwarf pulled the death shroud off of Legolas and tossed it on the floor. The shroud, like everything else in the tomb, was damp. "What're these for, anyway?" Gimli muttered.  
  
A moment later he noticed that one of the leaks whose drips kept echoing about was located directly above Legolas's face. But it didn't really matter, did it? He was dead, right?  
  
A drop of water hit Legolas in the cheek. His whole face twitched in response. Gimli, although looking right at him, didn't notice. This seems to happen a lot in Middle Earth.  
  
Gimli sighed. "He looks like he could sit up and talk. I don't think I've ever seen a dead person who looked so alive. Oh well."  
  
Gimli pulled out his ax and held Legolas's arrow in the other hand. He took a deep breath and swung the ax into his own neck. 


	13. Gandalf's Bloody Nose

A/N- Huzzah! One and a half of the main characters are dead! I'm tired... I've been doing chores all day for money. My French class is going to Paris and London this December and I hafta pay half if I wanna go. So I mowed almost the whole lawn this morning -collapses-  
  
Alteng- Sam... is in my attic for the same reason so many Les Mis characters are there. I kidnapped him/them because I love him/them so very much. I think I explain more in a few chapters.  
  
Tinkerbell033- Is this really the first fic you've read that made Legolas out to be a sissy? I'm sorry about that, then. I personally have little to no love in my heart for pretty-boys who spend an entire movie doing beauty poses, which is what Orlando Bloom seems to do throughout the majority of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sorry to insult your pal, but it's so much fun!  
  
Western Master 3- Insane! That's definitely the best way to be! This fic gets very insane next chapter. I'm going to do another double update just because the next chapter is the beginning of the intolerable craziness.

* * *

Gimli's head rolled across the floor.  
  
Gandalf came running into the tomb, tripped over the dwarf's head, and fell on his face.  
  
Legolas sat up.  
  
"Where's Gimli?" the elf asked.  
  
Gandalf, who had looked around while getting up off the floor and seen the problem, explained from behind his hand. "Mmph phm phmm ph."  
  
Legolas blinked, cleaned out his ears with his forefingers, and said, "Run that by me again?"  
  
Gandalf, with his free hand, shoved two little pieces of rolled up cloth into his nostrils, then moved his hand. "He subwhere eldse. Dow led's go before subbody cobes id here ad sees you ard't dead."  
  
Legolas sort of shrugged and hopped of the rock slab thingy. He landed on Gimli from the neck down.  
  
Gandalf sighed.  
  
Legolas gasped and jumped back. "OH NO!" he shrieked.  
  
Gandalf rolled the head across the floor with his foot. Legolas tried to stick it back on amidst much cooing and murmuring that seemed to run along the lines of "Oh, don't worry! It'll be okay! Come on now..." he had succeeded in positioning Gimli's head above his neck. "Got it! All better now. Yes you are yes you are yes you are..."  
  
Gandalf rolled his eyes.  
  
Suddenly there was a ruckus from outside. The entire population of Rivendell had awakened and randomly decided to go see who might be hanging out in the tomb. Gandalf gasped and ran out the door shouting, "I cannot stay!"  
  
Legolas saw one of his own arrows lying on the floor. He picked it up. "Now that Gimli's dead, I have nothing to live for," Legolas sobbed. "Oh happy arrow... something, something... erm... yeah."  
  
Legolas thrust the arrow into his chest and began to dramatically die. "ACK! Hey... this arrow was mine. BLECH! Why did you take it?" he asked Gimli's head.  
  
"I thought you were a pirate!" Elizabeth Swann said, popping up from the other side of a pillar.  
  
Legolas made some more choking sounds. "Get out of my death scene, Miss Swann!"  
  
"I _told_ you to call me Eliza-"  
  
Legolas pulled the arrow out of his chest and shoved it into hers. Elizabeth Swann gasped and said, "I feel... cold..."  
  
She died, falling backwards on top of Gimli. A cucumber rolled out of her hand.  
  
"Finally!" Legolas said. He made dramatic gagging sounds for about ten more minutes, then died.  
  
His body fell atop Elizabeth Swann's. 


	14. Many Reconciliations

A/N- This is one of my favorite chapters! Beware the mass insanity.

* * *

The cast of Lord of the Rings, dead and alive (except for Legolas, Gimli, and Sam) gathered outside the mysteriously and suddenly-there tomb for elves for no apparent reason.  
  
"Plot convenience!" the Authoress and William Shakespeare shouted.  
  
Gandalf the Gay... gray... white... something... blocked the door of the tomb with a pretty shiny light from his staff.  
  
"You shall dot pass!"  
  
"What's in there?" demanded Elrond, Lord of the Eyebrows.  
  
"Subtig," Gandalf answered through his bloody nose.  
  
The readers wonder why Gandalf, a wizard, can't heal his own bloody nose.  
  
The Authoress points out that Gandalf's not really all that helpful when you're actually in trouble – see the story of Osgiliath, the Bal-Rog, the Barrow Downs... all he really does is make shiny lights and bother Saruman.  
  
And the Authoress really likes writing about people with stopped-up noses.  
  
Thranduil gasped. "My Mary Sue! She's... broken!"  
  
"Move aside, Gandalf," Saruman ordered. _(A/N- It's the _entire_ cast, remember.)_ "I want to go in that tomb for no apparent reason!"  
  
Galadriel and Celeborn nodded enthusiastically.  
  
Frodo and Pippin looked around. "Where's Sam?"  
  
Legolas's ghost and Gimli's ghost went frolicking through a field of flowers.  
  
"I cad dot led you id," Gandalf said firmly.  
  
Bilbo did a psycho face while reaching for the tomb.  
  
The audience jumped.  
  
Boromir, complete with three arrows sticking out of his chest, began to make an inspirational speech while Faramir looked proud.  
  
Éowyn, Éomer, Théoden, Théodred, and everyone else with "éo" in their names had no reason to stay and disappeared in a poof of smoke.  
  
Actually, no one else had a reason to stay.  
  
But they did.  
  
Merry's ghost started apologizing to Pippin, assuming it was his fault Pippin had killed him. And in case of anyone ever mistaking one for the other again, Merry's ghost died his hair blue.  
  
For this deed, the Authoress brought him back to life.  
  
"Oh, and guess what, guys! I've finally found a catch phrase! Can you believe it?" Pippin cried.  
  
"Can you believe it?' Is that your catch phrase?" asked the new-and-improved blue-haired Merry.  
  
"No, silly!" Pippin said. "My catch phrase is..."  
  
He was interrupted when Wormtongue turned into a mouse to escape Treebeard and ran away.  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Lupin, and Sirius chased him.  
  
Wormtail felt ignored and disappeared in a poof of smoke.  
  
Nine black riders began to do the cancan.  
  
Shelob joined in.  
  
Helob wandered by.  
  
The readers wonder who Helob is.  
  
So does the Authoress. "Security!" yelled a voice from the sky.  
  
Harley, Frankie, and Joey chased Helob away.  
  
"My catch phrase is..." Pippin repeated loudly.  
  
No one listened.  
  
Gollum and Sméagôl got into a schizo fight. The Authoress turned Sméagôl back into a hobbit. Sméagôl and Déagôl immediately attacked Gollum.  
  
Denethor threw Boromir a party, but he didn't invite Faramir.  
  
Boromir didn't go.  
  
Faramir threw Boromir a party, but he didn't invite Denethor.  
  
Boromir didn't go.  
  
Neither did Faramir. It was a setup.  
  
Denethor went.  
  
"Where's da party at?" he asked.  
  
No one knew what he was talking about.  
  
Denethor got bored, twitched a few thousand times, and disappeared in a poof of smoke.  
  
Elrond's eyebrows began to break dance.  
  
Elizabeth Swann's ghost chased Legolas's ghost through a field of flowers with a pair of scissors and a bottle of brown hair dye.  
  
Legolas's ghost and Gimli's ghost jumped onto a fell beast's ghost and flew away.  
  
The Authoress realized that this chapter is pointless and ended it.

* * *

"But my catch phrase...!" Pippin protested.  
  
"Oh, right," said the voice from the sky. "Go."  
  
"Thank you!" Pippin said. "My catch phrase is 


	15. The Authoress Straightens Out Confusion

A/N- This fic will continue until any remnant of sanity you readers ever had is gone! Muahahaha! Ahem... anyway...  
  
A Darker Side of Light- Yeah... pointless... that sorta sums me up. But I do have fun!  
  
The Hobbit Lass- You do hafta feel a little sorry for him... but he shall get his revenge.  
  
Tinkerbell033- It's re-explained in here. Somewhat. I killed Legolas for the same reason Shakespeare killed Romeo... which is "because." Legolas isn't _gone_... he's off in ghost land with Gimli and the fell beast.  
  
pikinanou- Nope. You'll know it's over when I end with a poem... Hehehe...  
  
I'm From Tookland- Er... probably not. But he will be able to... oh, you'll see in a few chapters.  
  
Jo- I do random Piratey bits later, too. I just can't help putting it in here. Stay tuned!  
  
Western Master 3- I am highly amused by your reviews. Sounds like stuff I randomly say... except more Monty Python-ish.  
  
Alteng- But is it over? Muahahaha! No. "Uh..." is a great catchphrase... it could be mine...

* * *

"What was _that_?" Peter Jackson shouted.  
  
"**What do you mean**?" said the booming voice from the sky.  
  
"That chapter did not assist in telling the plot – it didn't even make any sense!"  
  
"**So**?" asked the booming voice from the sky.  
  
"The readers are probably confused out of their minds..."  
  
"**Good point**."  
  
So the Authoress decided to give a quick recap.  
  
Everyone from Lord of the Rings except Sam (who lives in the Authoress's attic) was standing outside the tomb where Gimli and Legolas and Elizabeth Swann were dead. Gandalf refused to let anyone in and Thranduil discovered his broken Mary Sue robot. Frodo and Pippin noticed that Sam was missing, and Merry's ghost died his hair blue. The Authoress brought Merry back to life. All the characters from Rohan left. Boromir's ghost gave a speech. Wormtongue turned into a rat and ran away. Wormtail left. The Nazgûl and Shelob did the cancan. (Why? Because they can... can. Yes, corny joke.) Sméagôl became a hobbit again, and he and Déagôl proceeded to beat the crap out of Gollum. Denethor threw Boromir a party but didn't invite Faramir, so Boromir didn't go. Faramir pretended to throw Boromir a party, but it was a set-up. Boromir and Faramir didn't go, but Denethor did. No one was at the party, so he left. Legolas's ghost and Gimli's ghost went skipping through a field of flowers, pursued by Elizabeth Swann and her brown hair dye. Legolas's ghost and Gimli's ghost hopped onto a fell beast's ghost and flew away, thus ending the chapter.  
  
"A _quick_ recap?" Peter Jackson groaned, rolling his eyes.  
  
"**Yes. I told that in less than half the time of the original one**," responded the booming voice from the sky.  
  
"You're pathetic," Peter Jackson sighed.  
  
The Authoress chose not to harass him, considering Sam was in her attic...  
  
Samwise Gamgee looked around nervously. He was in sort of a garret. A large crowd of people was already there. All of them were twice as tall as he was.  
  
Or so he thought. Suddenly two people of his own size came skipping up.  
  
"'Old on a bit," said the boy. "I don' recognoize you!"  
  
Sam gaped at him.  
  
"'Ow do ya do? My name's Gavroche! These're me people an' 'ere's my patch. Not much t' look at – nothing posh. Nothin' that you'd call up t' scratch..." the boy began to sing.  
  
The little girl smiled shyly at Sam. "My name's Cosette, but everyone calls me Alouette."  
  
"Samwise Gamgee at your service," the hobbit finally said.  
  
Two tall and extremely good-looking men walked by. "Elves!" Sam cried.  
  
"Not quoite," Gavroche answered. "Th' blond chap's called Enjolras. 'E's involved in a revolution. Th' darker chap, 'e's Montparnasse. Par' o' th' Patron-Minette, most-feared gang in Paris. Parnasse's wan'ed for more 'n' a few murders."  
  
Sam's eyes widened. "Mr. Frodo!" 


	16. Enter the Sexiest of Elves

A/N- In this chapter you shall all meet my beloved boyfriend. Just remember that that was NOT him in the sequel... it was some other guy. My beloved was in the first movie, not the second. The sequel to The Santa Clause is an evil Disney moneymaking conspiracy and I hate it. The first movie, now there's good stuff.

* * *

"Can you just finish the story?" Peter Jackson asked.  
  
"**I don't wanna**!" whined the booming voice from the sky.  
  
"Well, you sure aren't making _that_ obvious."  
  
"**Hey now. The only reason I haven't sent you back to the French barricade is because of Sam, buddy-boy**," threatened the booming voice from the sky.  
  
Remembering his brief visit to said barricades, Peter Jackson quickly closed his mouth.  
  
"**Anyway... Gandalf refused to let anyone into the tomb...  
**  
Leaving the shiny magic light to seal the entrance, Gandalf hopped onto Shadowfax and rode away.  
  
Five seconds later, Gandalf was in the clearing with the stone trolls... you know the place. Under the shadow of one of the creepy monsters, he dismounted Shadowfax. "I'b way ahead of those idferior horses," Gandalf sighed. "I'll take a dap."  
  
So he lay down under a tree and went to sleep.  
  
A tortoise came running up. Upon seeing Gandalf asleep, he cackled insanely and continued on, shouting "Slow and steady!"  
  
A minute later a sound like jingle bells could be heard. An elf with dreadlocks appeared in the meadow. No, not a Rivendell elf. This is a North Pole elf. And he's sexy. And I love him. And-  
  
"Plot!" Peter Jackson shouted.  
  
Anyway, the entrance of Bernard didn't awaken the wizard either. The head elf looked around, saw Gandalf asleep, and then randomly decided to go see what his cousin Legolas was doing.  
  
Actually, Legolas was his second cousin once removed, or first cousin twice removed, on Bernard's mother's side. So Legolas was his great-aunt's great grandson's-  
  
"Plot!"  
  
So Bernard went to Rivendell with his sexy dissolving into sparks trick. He found the place in an uproar. Everyone still wanted into the mysterious elf tomb, but Gandalf's shiny light was actually working. Random characters were hurling themselves at the barrier and then falling over backwards on impact.  
  
"What's the problem?" Bernard asked the nearest character.  
  
"Good evening, little master. What can I do for you?"  
  
Bernard stared at the man (who happened to be his same height) for a second. "Try answering the question."  
  
"A man just left. Big gray beard, pointed hat-"  
  
Bernard walked away.  
  
"Hey!" Mr. Butterbur called after him.  
  
"Butterbeer!" Hermione shouted. She grabbed Mr. Butterbur and ran off to Hogsmeade.  
  
Bernard raised an eyebrow.  
  
Harry Potter saw a crowd of Nazgûl and passed out.  
  
"Am I in another one of Erin's fanfics?" Bernard asked the sky.  
  
"Plot!" came the voice of Peter Jackson.  
  
Bernard sighed. 


	17. The Authoress Still Refuses to End the F...

A/N- Hiyee! I'm hyper! I dunno why. I love you, reviewers! My fic was pathetic and ignored, but you guys all showed up and now I'm getting more than two reviewers to a chapter! Yay! Oh, and just because I'm picky about these things, make sure you pronounce these names right... Javert _– Juh- VEHR_ (the J sounds like the SIA in Asia), Enjolras – _ON-johl-russ,_ and Gavroche – _Gav-ROSH_. Just being pernickety. And remember, I've talked myself into believing that Bernard is real. So he is in this story... and in my mind.

I'm From Tookland- He is the coolest elf. He's been my officical boyfriend since... November of 2002. I'm a freak.

Alteng- I told my brother what you said about dementors using old ringwraith costumes and he said something along the lines of "No, it's the other way around!" So I dragged him to the bookshelf and showed him the copyright dates on LOTR and the dates on Harry Potter... poor confused loser.

A Darker Side of Light- I love the Witch King of Angmar. He's hot. Every time I see him die in the third movie I can't help going "I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who would have thought a pretty little girl like you could destroy my beatiful ugliness!"

Tinkerbell033- You're a treehugger _too_? I watched the cast commentary of TTT, where Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan (I know I spelled that wrong) tell you to go out and plant a tree, and I actually did within the week.

Western Master 3- Ooh, I want the blue one! I am amused, as always.

* * *

"So," Bernard asked the sky of Rivendell. "Why'm I in this fic?"  
  
The elf suddenly found himself in a normal looking bedroom where I girl with waist-length brown hair sat before a computer.  
  
"Hey! Don't do that! It makes me nervous. I coulda used my cool dissolving into sparks trick."  
  
"Bernard," the girl at the computer sighed, "I thought you understood the rules."  
  
"What rules?"  
  
"I allow you to have special guest appearances in my absolute nonsense fics, but you can't let the other characters know about this world!"  
  
The two got into a long conversation about reality versus fiction that didn't make any sense and wasn't recorded.  
  
"So, why'd you put me in that fic?" Bernard asked again.  
  
"I can't tell you straight out, but you get to use your sexy dissolving into sparks trick."  
  
"You mean my cool trick."  
  
"Sexy."  
  
"Cool."  
  
"Sexy!"  
  
"PLOT!" screamed Peter Jackson.  
  
Sam wandered in, pursued by a few of the other characters living in the attic.  
  
"Do not break out of the garret! JAIL!" shouted a heavily-sideburned and apparently deranged police inspector.  
  
"Shut up, Javert," Bernard said.  
  
"Bernard! Didn't see you there. What brings you to North Carolina?"  
  
A young man with wild black hair and scars all over his pale face poked his head through the door. "I didn't mean to," he said timidly.  
  
"Help!" Sam screamed. "That man came after me with knives and the other one tried to put me in a crate!"  
  
"Sam, sweetie, don't worry about them. The one with the sideburns, he's crazy and thinks everyone should be thrown in jail. The pasty one, he's really nice, I promise."  
  
"But the knives..."  
  
The pale man shuffled slowly into the room. "I'm not finished," he said, holding out hands that looked like scissors.  
  
"Edward, dear, you're scaring Sammykins. Can you... give him some time?"

Edward nodded.

"Javert?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Leave Sam alone, okay? Don't put him in jail."  
  
"Where am I?" Sam demanded.  
  
"**PLOT!**"  
  
"Sorry guys!" The Authoress tapped a few buttons on her computer. Bernard disappeared. Sam, Inspector Javert, and Edward Scissorhands were whisked back into the attic.  
  
Bernard was back in Rivendell. Many characters were lying on the ground, having knocked themselves unconscious against Gandalf's shiny barrier. Several orcs had found a battering ram and were using it (to no avail) against the light. "Where was Gandalf and his white shiny light when those orcs were using that thing on our doors?" Théoden whined.  
  
"Hey, you left already!" Haldir said indignantly.  
  
"Oops!" Théoden poofed away.  
  
Bernard rolled his eyes. "Alright, I get to use my sexy... uh... cool... dissolving into sparks trick... hmm..."  
  
"_I WISH I COULD JUST DISAPPEAR AND REAPPEAR INSIDE THE TOMB_!" shouted Sauron.  
  
Silence fell. Everyone stared at Sauron.  
  
"What?" the Dark Lord asked.  
  
"You aren't supposed to talk," Isildur reminded him.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Farmer Maggot spoke up. "It 'elps your aura of evil."  
  
"Oops. Sorry."  
  
"**PLOT**!" Peter Jackson screamed.  
  
And Bernard understood why he was in this fic.


	18. What They Finally Found

Sam was back in the-  
  
"This story is no longer about Sam! Stop talking about Sam!" Peter Jackson interrupted.  
  
"**But Sam's my homeskillet!**" cried the booming voice from the sky.  
  
"Hey! I thought I was your homeskillet!" Pippin objected.  
  
"**Wha- you can't hear me! I'm talking to Mr. Jackson**!" said the booming voice from the sky.  
  
"You're right, sorry," Pippin sighed. He poofed back to Rivendell.  
  
The Authoress lowered her voice. "Sam is my homeskillet... Pippin's just my home_fry_," explained the no-longer-booming voice from the sky.  
  
"And who's your homeboy?" Peter Jackson asked sarcastically.  
  
"Montparnasse," said the quieter than booming voice from the sky.  
  
"Montparnasse? Who's that?"  
  
"From _Les Misérables_," said the almost-booming voice from the sky.  
  
"Okay, whatever! Can you just get back to the story?"  
  
"Everybody quiet!" Bernard yelled sexily. "Hey... how can I yell sexily?"  
  
"**Just do it!**" said the again-booming voice from the sky.  
  
The hubbub subsided.  
  
"I can get inside the tomb."  
  
"How?" asked Sam's gaffer.  
  
"I'm a se- a North Pole elf. I can do the se- _cool_ dissolving into sparks trick. So..."  
  
Bernard dissolved into a shower of sexy sparks.  
  
A second later his outline could be seen inside the tomb. In another second he reappeared outside, visibly shaken.  
  
"You're weird," the sexy elf shouted at the sky.  
  
"What did you see?" demanded Gamling.  
  
"A dwarf, an elf, and a woman with interesting shoes, all lying dead."  
  
"Which dwarf?" Smaug asked.  
  
"Umm..."  
  
"Gimli," prompted a whispering voice from the sky.  
  
"Gimli," Bernard repeated.  
  
"And the elf?" asked Celeborn.  
  
"Legolas."  
  
"And the young woman with odd shoes?" asked a man near the back of the crowd.  
  
"Well," Elrond interrupted, "we can narrow it down to Éowyn or Galadriel. It wasn't Galadriel, cos she doesn't wear shoes... and she's standing right here." Galadriel waved. "And we know it wasn't Éowyn, cos she was here a minute ago."  
  
Everyone stared at him.  
  
"Then who was it?"  
  
"Well, I'm havin' a thought here, all." The man from the back of the crowd had worked his way to the front.  
  
Everyone who had been staring at Elrond found that this man was even stranger. So they stared at him instead.  
  
The newcomer did not fit in with any of the people from Middle Earth. He wore a red kerchief and tri-corner hat atop beaded and dreadlocked hair.  
  
"Hey!" Bernard protested. "Dreadlocks are my look!"  
  
The man staggered over to Bernard, who grabbed his arm and rolled up his sleeve. The letter P was branded on his arm.  
  
"Had a brush with the-"  
  
"**NOOOO!**" screamed the booming voice from the sky. "**Bernard... is not... NORRINGTON! Just say his name!**"

"But I don't _know_ his name."

"**It's... Jack Sparrow!**" shouted the booming voice from the sky.  
  
"_Captain_ Jack Sparrow," the man protested.  
  
Peter Jackson was near tears. "Just finish the story!" he begged.


	19. A Momentary Mutiny

A/N- Wow... in my last mass update, this is the only fic that got any reviews. Odd... I'd like to remind the reader that I wrote this story during school and before the Oscars had been awarded (ELEVEN! WE WIN I SAY!) But the Golden Globes had already been passed out. Also, I have nothing but respect for Peter Jackson... I think he's the greatest thing ever for reintroducing me to the LOTR stories, so keep that in mind while you watch me randomly torture him.  
  
Tinkerbell033- I love Edward Scissorhands! He's my homeslice (get it? Scissors... slice... yeah, I know, corny) The guy with the sideburns is a crazed and obsessive police inspector known as Javert.

I'm From Tookland- I'm sorry. And I have apologized officially in my author's note.

Alteng- No reason. They just do... like in Shakespeare's story. Ooh... Jack meets Edward... that amuses me.

Western Master 3- So I hear. _-ponders-_

The Hobbit Lass- Yes, Pippin is solely my homefry. Sam's my homeskillet... and after officially proclaiming this, I rewatched FOTR and noticed Sam beating people up with a skillet... odd, yes?

* * *

"**Pete! Just let me tell the story my own way!**" insisted the booming voice from the sky.  
  
Peter Jackson blinked back tears. "Best Director... I was Best Director... My beautiful works... Eleven Oscar nominations... Four Golden Globes... Best Drama... Best Director..."  
  
"**Oops... Pete? Peter Jackson? Are you okay?**" asked the booming voice from the sky.  
  
"Best Director..."  
  
"**I'm gonna get killed for this**," groaned the booming voice from the sky.  
  
Peter Jackson was curled up in a ball on the floor. "Eleven Oscar nominations..."  
  
"**Pete?**" asked the genuinely worried booming voice from the sky.  
  
"Alright, I'll finish it!" Pippin shouted.  
  
He was suddenly in the room with the computer.  
  
"Hey... homefry... how'd you get past my security guards?" the longhaired girl asked.  
  
"They were playing 'Go Fish.'"  
  
"Okay, so they're fired..."  
  
Suddenly Pippin pushed the girl out of her chair and into the attic. He locked the door.  
  
"Curse you, Homefry!" the girl shouted. "Let me out!"  
  
"Now... how do you get this computer to work?" Pippin wondered aloud. "I'll finish the story if she won't."  
  
Montparnasse, the infamous robber and murderer, approached the Authoress.  
  
"Homeboy? I need out of here. Pip's trying to take over my fanfic!"  
  
Montparnasse picked the lock on the attic door, which sprang open.  
  
"Parnasse!" the Authoress cried gleefully. "You've been promoted to Beloved and Favorite Character from Les Mis!"  
  
Montparnasse tipped his smashed top hat and sauntered off.  
  
The Authoress stormed into the computer room. Pippin finally began to tap random keys.  
  
The Authoress began to dance ballet.  
  
"NNNOOOOO! Stop, Pippin! I'll finish the fic, I promise!"  
  
Bernard looked at the sky of Rivendell, which had turned a deep maroon. "Erin?"  
  
Suddenly Pippin's face appeared in the sky. "I'm takin' over this story! All of you are at my command!"  
  
Everyone in Rivendell began to tango.  
  
But Bernard, being considered reality by the Authoress's demented mind, was not under Pippin's control. He dissolved into a shower sexy sparks.  
  
A moment later Bernard had grabbed Pippin and stuffed him into a sack, which he tied firmly shut.  
  
Everyone stopped dancing.  
  
"You saved me!" the Authoress cried, throwing her arms around him.  
  
Bernard looked uncomfortable and patted her on the head.  
  
"Oh... can you check on Peter Jackson?"  
  
"Sure, if you let go of me."  
  
"Right," the Authoress said, quickly stepping back. "Sorry."  
  
Bernard found Peter Jackson curled into a ball on the floor, muttering to himself. The elf produced a straightjacket from the sexy bag he always wore.  
  
A moment later he and the straightjacketed Best Director were in the room.  
  
"That can't be good," the Authoress said.


	20. The Captain Confused

"Quick! Go back to Rivendell!" the Authoress shouted.  
  
One sexy-spark trip later, Bernard stood before the large crowd of Middle Earthlings and Jack Sparrow.  
  
"Captain!"  
  
And Captain Jack Sparrow.  
  
"What were we talking about?" Bernard asked.  
  
"Uh... global warming?" suggested Shelob.  
  
"You can't talk either!" Sauron shouted.  
  
Glóin's ghost piped up. "Dead dwarves!"  
  
"Yeah, that. Well, does anyone know why?"  
  
"Big gray beard, pointed hat..." Mr. Butterbur began.  
  
"Come back!" Hermione shouted, dragging him back to Hogsmeade.  
  
Frodo cocked his head. "Gandalf?"  
  
"Yes! He knows something!" the new-and-improved blue-haired Merry shouted.  
  
"But where'd he go?" Gamete asked.  
  
The readers wonder who Gamete is.  
  
The Authoress points out that she wrote this chapter while in biology class.  
  
The biologically educated readers roll their eyes.  
  
Peter Jackson did not shout 'plot,' but the Authoress realized that she was off on a tangent again.  
  
A little hovering lightbulb above Bernard's head turned on.  
  
"What's that?" Glorfindel asked, pointing at the lightbulb.  
  
"Erin..." Bernard said imploringly.  
  
The lightbulb disappeared.  
  
"Did Gandalf ride a white horse?" Bernard asked the crowd.  
  
The Rohirrim nodded.  
  
"You left already!" Haldir shouted.  
  
The Rohirrim disappeared in a poof of smoke.  
  
"I know where he is!" Bernard announced.  
  
There was much rejoicing.  
  
"But he's a long way off."  
  
There was no rejoicing.  
  
"How can we get there?" asked Gamete.  
  
The readers roll their eyes.  
  
A lightbulb-less idea came to Bernard. He pulled a sexy snow globe out of his sexy bag and shook it... sexily. Within seconds, Santa and his eight reindeer (the Authoress does not believe in Rudolph) landed in front of the crowd.  
  
"Santa," Bernard asked. "Could you get Gandalf the White to come here?"  
  
"Certainly, my sexy head elf!" Santa said jollily.  
  
Bernard shuddered. "Erin... this is getting out of hand."  
  
"**I am sorry, oh se... um... likeable one**," said the booming voice from the sky.  
  
Santa and his reindeer flew away, returning several minutes later with Gandalf in the back seat. No one knows what happened to Shadowfax.  
  
Jack Sparrow held Gandalf at gunpoint.  
  
"Captain!"  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow held Gandalf at gunpoint.  
  
"Explain yourself," he demanded.  
  
"Why do you care?"  
  
"You killed Elizabeth Swann!"  
  
"Do I didn't... dat was Legolas."  
  
"Oh," Jack Sparrow said, putting the gun away.  
  
"Captain!"  
  
"Oh," Captain Jack Sparrow said, putting the gun away.  
  
Bernard looked at the sky. "Does this story have an actual plot?" 


	21. Almost There

A/N- Guess what, guys! This is my next-to-last update! Omigosh the story's actually gonna END! Yeah, I know, right? Okay.  
  
Alteng- Ah, but the plot shall return soon! As in... now-ish. And then the story ends.  
  
A Darker Side of Light/The French Fry of Gondor- That's how one should treat one's figments, or else they might start... um... running away. I mostly keep mine locked up in the attic.  
  
Western Master 3- Evil, ain't it? Ah, but the plot is saved and tied up in a bow. Or something like that...  
  
Tinkerbell033- A gamete is... a cell... yeah. I'm purposely over-using the word 'sexy' cos it's fun. Yeah, but I use it not so much in these last few chapters.  
  
tsuchi- Ah, but you have joined in the insanity a bit too late, I fear. I'm glad you like the random-ness, but it's almost over. I weep... really, I do.

* * *

"So? What happened?" Elrond, lord of the eyebrows, asked Gandalf.  
  
"Make it short!" Frodo shouted.  
  
Everyone stared at him. "Why?" the new-and-improved blue-haired Merry asked.  
  
"I have to pee," Frodo whispered nervously.  
  
"**Stupid**!" shouted an annoyed booming voice from the sky that apparently wanted to end this story already.  
  
Frodo disappeared.  
  
Merry looked around. "Hey, I'm the only hobbit left!"  
  
"Anyway..." Gandalf said, apparently unaware that the Authoress had cured his bloody nose out of sheer boredom, "Legolas and Gimli were in love, they got married, Gimli got banishèd, Legolas was supposed to get married to that... um... Mary Sue... thing.  
  
"Somebody call?" Merry asked.  
  
"**He didn't mean you! All distractions shall be removed! We must finish this story!**" yelled the booming voice from the sky.  
  
Merry also disappeared.  
  
"Right... so I gave him stuff that would make him look dead and Gimli sneaked back to Rivendell and thought Legolas was really dead and killed himself and then Legolas woke up and saw Gimli dead and he killed himself too!"  
  
Gandalf panted for breath.  
  
"And Elizabeth?" Captain Jack Sparrow asked.  
  
"She walked in on Legolas's death scene... so he went psycho-pretty-boy and killed her."  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" shouted Captain Jack Sparrow, losing his cool. "How could you, Will?"  
  
"Well... I've always had this insecurity about being a eunuch... you didn't help that, announcing it in front of Barbossa and Elizabeth and everyone..." Will Turner called from the back of the crowd. "Dunno how you knew, exactly..."  
  
"What? That Dumbledore guy just said you're supposed to be dead!"  
  
Will frowned. "Am I not?"  
  
"**Jack! Shut up before I send you off with Frodo and Merry! Legolas and Will aren't the same person!**" shrieked the booming voice from the sky.  
  
"Wha-"  
  
"Elves don't have facial hair," Bernard sighed.  
  
"Oh... so they're like... Mary Kate and Ashley?"  
  
"**Yes! Now shut up, savvy?**" boomed the booming voice from the sky.  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow nudged Bernard. "What's wrong with the booming voice from the sky? She's gone crazy."  
  
Bernard shrugged. "I'll ask her."  
  
He dissolved into a shower of sexy sparks.  
  
"That has got to be the most obnoxious pirate I have ever seen," Suave... I mean Lever 2000... I mean... some kinda shaving cream guy said.  
  
"So it would seem," Gandalf said stiffly.  
  
"**Thank you! Get back on track! You've already driven poor Peter Jackson insane!**" the booming voice from the sky ordered.  
  
The people of Rivendell did not know where the voice was coming from.  
  
Nor did they care.  
  
"You mean to say," Galadriel mused, "that Legolas and Gimli were married by you? Why did you allow that?"  
  
"Well," Gandalf said carefully, "I thought maybe the union of a dwarf and an elf would end your feud... maybe."  
  
A moment of silence. Then...  
  
"You stupid dwarves! You killed my son!" Thranduil screeched.  
  
"Your son? What about Gimli?" roared Glóin's ghost.  
  
Gandalf massaged his forehead. "That didn't work out the way I'd hoped." 


	22. The Effects of Annoyance

Bernard was again in that room with the computer and the annoyed Authoress.  
  
"So... me an' Jack Sparrow were wondering why you've gone all wacko on us."  
  
The Authoress glared at him. "As if you don't know."  
  
"Uh... no... I don't know... sorry..."  
  
"Guess what movie was on ABC Family yesterday."  
  
"Was I in it?"  
  
The Authoress nodded.  
  
"The Santa Clause?"  
  
The Authoress shook her head. "It's July."  
  
"Oh... you don't mean..."  
  
"Yup. And don't tell me that wasn't you in that movie, cos I know it was."  
  
"I was acting! Acting!"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Hey, just because you saw the Addams Family Values and you think I'm in love with Wednesday Addams or whatever your problem is does not mean you hafta go and disintegrate random hobbits!"  
  
"The hobbits' molecules are perfectly intact."  
  
"Then where are they?" Bernard asked, exasperated.  
  
"The proper question is _when_ are they. I've sent them into the future of Rivendell a few minutes so they'll stop distracting Gandalf. It worked, didn't it?"  
  
"This sounds familiar..."  
  
"Oh, you recognize Christopher Lloyd's lines from Back to the Future? How about his lines from the Addam's Family Values, do you know those lines? Oh, wait, of course you do... YOU WERE IN IT!"  
  
"I promise you I was acting, and now you're just being weird."  
  
"Oh, go off and woo Wednesday Addams."  
  
Bernard rolled his eyes. "Wednesday Addams is a sadistic weirdo and _I was acting!_ Did you see the end of the movie, by chance?"  
  
"No... Boy Meets World came on."  
  
"At the end she freakin' tried to kill me!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Go rent it if you don't believe me."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"I was there, remember?"  
  
"If you say so. Okay, go make presents or something, I'll take care of the hobbits."  
  
"Good," Bernard said as he dissolved into a shower of sexy sparks.  
  
And the Authoress sat down to finally compose her closing poem. 


	23. Final Poem

A/N- Oy all you chappies, I'm going to finish this story! _No! _Yes! And you know what else? I just came back from a week at camp, and one of the counselors did an awesome Gollum voice, and this camper started doing the voice too, so the counselor, John, said, "Who thinks they can do a better voice than me?" and the camper, Yoder, goes "We can, precious!" And John says, "Our voice is better than yours, silly!" And Yoder comes running up onto the stage like Gollum (on all fours, you know) and says, "Bring it, fat one!" It was so funny... Anyway, now I shall finish Legeo & Gimliet: the most pointless story I've ever written.  
  
A Darker Side of Light- I'm a crazy Pirates fan. I have standups of Barbossa, Jack, Elizabeth, and Will in my room. Those names were in order of how much I love/like them. Thanks for reviewing and sticking with me as I kept adding more stupidity.  
  
The Hobbit Lass- Thanks for all your reviews! My story went from getting one or two reviews a chapter to having eighty-eight overall!  
  
Alteng- Yeah, that was me being bored. But I've stopped now, and you are all free! Thank you for reviewing and not giving up on me (which all my friends at school did after a few of these random chapters).  
  
Western Master 3- Not only is it a creepy thought, but it's almost irritating. Thanks for your... enlightening... reviews.  
  
AND TO ALL OF YOU WHO EVER REVIEWED THIS STORY: **MERCI!

* * *

**  
  
So Sam stayed in the attic  
  
And lived to be quite old.  
  
The elves and dwarves continued  
  
To fight as we've been told.  
  
Soon Peter J. recovered  
  
From his insanity,  
  
And Frodo was permitted  
  
To go and take a pee.  
  
The Authoress sent Pippin  
  
On back to Rivendell,  
  
And then, the she-elf Arwen  
  
The Authoress sent to... hey!  
  
Then Saruman and Gandalf  
  
Were wed with gaiety,  
  
And Legolas and Gimli  
  
Were dead and quite happy.  
  
Bernard went to the North Pole,  
  
The Authoress wrote this rhyme,  
  
The dwarf and elf feud went on  
  
Until the end of time.  
  
There never was a story  
  
That had more O.O.C.  
  
Than this of Legolas and  
  
His good buddy Gimli! 


End file.
